Dirty Old Man
by dead drifter
Summary: Crack fic, Yaoi in varying amounts of naughtiness. Someone messes with Kakuzu’s heart meds for a joke, but the results are unexpected. Unable to stop himself, Kakuzu bangs every male person he encounters. Ch.7 KakuZet Ch.8 KakuHida Ch.9 KakuDei Ch.10 ?
1. Strings and Stitches

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 1: Strings and Stitches **

**Disclaimer: For the last Jashin damned time, I don't own Naruto, Pledge, Pine Sol or anything else! **

**WARNING: GRAPHIC YAOI SEX! Don't bash my pairings, bitches! This is supposed to be more for laughs than for hotness, but to be safe, everyone who reads gets a complimentary drool bucket! If you are that creeped out by my beloved Kakuzu and anything other than a priest in his lap, LEAVE NOW! You have been warned.**

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Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose. Hidan had been bitching about the cable for an hour straight, and Kakuzu's patience had long ago worn out. Finally, the old man snapped, and promptly broke Hidan's neck and ripped his head off of his body.

"Ow, you fucking heathen bastard, I'll kill you!"

"Hidan, you're stressing me out. And when I'm stressed, I get angry. And when I get angry, my blood pressure goes up, and when my blood pressure goes up…."

"Yeah, I fucking get it already! You'll have a heart attack!"

"Glad we understand each other. Now get the hell out, I'd like to get my paperwork done in peace."

"Hey hey hey, what the fu—"

Kakuzu kicked Hidan's head out of the room, rolled his body out, and slammed the door shut. Kakuzu put on his headphones, turned up the volume, and hummed to "Money" by Pink Floyd as he punched numbers into his calculator.

When he hit the 'clear' button on his most beloved number machine, it blew up, and plastic flew in all directions. Kakuzu blinked in shock for a moment, and then started to convulse, gripping the left side of his chest and falling out of his chair.

Yes, kunoichi and gentlemen, Kakuzu was suffering a fatal heart attack.

(Author's assistant Ren Ren holds up sign saying "Heart Attack #1)

Kakuzu managed to grab his heart medication from his cloak pocket, and popped a pill into his mouth. He gradually stopped shaking and feeling came back into the left side of his body.

"God damn it, Deidara!!!" Kakuzu shrieked and ran out of the room, stumbling over Hidan's body and sort of falling into the Artists' room.

"DEIDARA?!!!" Kakuzu bellowed, eyes sweeping about the room that the puppet and the bomber shared. The old man searched the room for any sign of the little blond that had dared to turn his beloved calculator into a bomb, but couldn't find him. He heard a noise, and was about to check the closet, but he paused, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.

Kakuzu dropped heavily onto Deidara's bed and put his hands on his knees, head bowed, trying to steady his breathing. He closed his eyes. Sweat beaded on his forehead. Was he having some sort of reaction to his medication?

He could hear spraying coming from the closet. Sasori was definitely in there, applying his favorite furniture polish to his body…

Kakuzu started to get hard just thinking about it, and that fact made his four remaining hearts beat sporadically. What the hell was in those pills? Had someone tampered with his medication again?

"Hey, what are you doing in here?" a drawling voice said. Kakuzu looked up to see Sasori standing there, closing the closet door with a soft click. The old man was afraid to get up, afraid he might fall over. The bulge in Kakuzu's pants seemed to grow as he raked his strange green eyes over Sasori's bare chest, slick and shiny from the Pledge.

He thought idly of how smooth and slippery the puppet's skin must feel, and smacked himself in the head.

'What is wrong with me?'

Sasori arched a single brow at this strange behavior, not realizing how incredibly sexy that looked. Kakuzu had to close his eyes to keep from cuming in his pants. God damn, he was on some serious shit.

"Are you, uh, feeling alright?" Sasori asked.

"No. No, I really am not. Where's that bitch of yours at? I'd like to kill him."

"For tainting your pills?"

Kakuzu snapped his head up, glaring at Sasori.

"What? How did you…"

Sasori smiled softly, looking at his nails with a bored expression on his face.

"A little bird told me," Sasori said, his smile turning into a grin. Kakuzu temporarily forgot about his raging hard on and hopped to his feet. He marched over to Sasori and gripped him by the hair, snarling into his face.

"Who the fuck messed with my drugs?! Was it you, huh? 'Cause if it was…"

"So how do you feel?" Sasori asked slyly, staring up at Kakuzu without the slightest concern over his life. Kakuzu slid his free hand down to the cylinder containing Sasori's heart and grinned.

"I want to fuck you and kill you at the same time."

Sasori blinked, his smile sliding off of his face.

"What?"

"Was it some kind of hormone? Was it fucking Viagra? _What is this shit_?!"

The puppet tried to pull away, but Kakuzu's threads started snaking out from the seams of his arms, binding Sasori.

"You…you should be feeling euphoria! A case of the giggles! Dizzy spells, not…not…"

Kakuzu cut Sasori off by smothering his mouth with his own, taking advantage of the puppet's open lips to slide his tongue inside.

Sasori choked and spluttered, jerking his head away from Kakuzu's pervasive mouth. Kakuzu pulled away, panting. Sasori stared dumbly, eyes wide with shock.

"Let me go now, and I'll find you an antidote, alright?" Sasori said breathlessly.

Kakuzu shook his head.

"I thought you'd taste like poison, but…it's actually rather nice," Kakuzu said with a gravely chuckle, and leaned in to kiss Sasori again. Sasori kept his mouth tightly shut this time, but Kakuzu had decades of practice getting what he wanted, and slid his fingers down Sasori's bare chest, a few spare threads trailing along, tickling the puppet's surprisingly sensitive skin.

Sasori gasped when the threads twisted around his nipples, teasing them until they were erect.

Kakuzu forced his tongue into Sasori's mouth again. His fingers slipped down into Sasori's pants and squeezed his half hard cock. The puppet jerked, startled and stared into Kakuzu's dilated eyes. The puppet wondered if he had added too much Pine Sol to the drugs…

"Oh!" Sasori moaned when Kakuzu started to pump his hand up and down the red head's cock, now trailing kisses down Sasori's neck…

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"Hey, Sasori no Danna, un!" Deidara said, walking into the bedroom with a clay puppy in his hands and a big grin on his face.

"What do you think of my newest creation, un? Tobi's puppy Akamaru posed for it, and…"

The missing Rock nin froze when he saw what was going on, and in his bed too! Sasori was face down on the bed, blankets gripped tight in his fists, gritting his teeth. Kakuzu was on top of him, pounding relentlessly into the puppet.

"Danna is mine, you rapist, un!" Deidara howled, throwing the clay puppy at the stoned miser.

Kakuzu came into Sasori just as he got a face full of clay and ash, and toppled off the bed.

Sasori lay there, his ass up in the air, and looked to Deidara with a dazed smile.

"Too much Pine Sol…" Sasori mumbled.

"Un? Who knew Pine Sol made you horny?"

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**A/N: Ha ha ha…rapist! Uh, sorry. Next chapter!**

**When Tobi comes in to ask his senpai what's wrong, Kakuzu's sexual urges take over once again…**

**XD Kaku/Tobi? Kill me now! MWA HA HA HA! **


	2. Masked and Unmasked

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 2: Masked and Unmasked **

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: There's 'sort of' a reference to those "This is Sparta" remix vids on youtube. And I think Kaku/Tobi is hott. Seriously. Oh, and for those of you who don't get it, Zu Zu is Tobi's pet name for Zetsu. I find it adorable. **

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Tobi bounced into the Artists' Room just as Deidara was about to open the door, carrying a sore assed Sasori on his back. Deidara glared at the masked wonder with one furious blue eye.

"Out of my way, Tobi, un!"

Tobi didn't budge, however. He just stared at Deidara, a finger poking innocently at the general location of his chin.

"Deidara-senpai, can I borrow two dollars? Tobi needs an ice cream and Itachi-san won't share his Fudgsicles!"

Deidara scowled and kicked Tobi away (boot).

"This is madness, un!" (sorry, had to do that)

"But Deidara-senpaaaaaaaai!" Tobi whined. Deidara stalked out into the hallway, Sasori's arms swinging lifelessly, and he whirled to grin at the fallen boy.

"Kakuzu's in there…why don't you ask HIM to buy you some ice cream?" Deidara said. He snorted with laughter and left, planning on blowing up the entire bedroom once he had deposited Sasori in a safe place.

Tobi looked around the room and clapped when he saw Kakuzu sitting on Deidara's bed, blankets bunched up around his thighs, his head in his hands.

"Grandpa Kuzu, can I have two dollars for an ice cream, please?"

Kakuzu made no answer, he just continued to grumble in his hands. Tobi skipped over to the old man, leaned down, and pried Kakuzu's hands away from his face.

"Grandpa Kuzu? Why are you hiding? You don't have to hide, Tobi loves you!"

Kakuzu locked eyes with Tobi's…eyehole…and his remaining hearts flipped. He suddenly wanted to find out what was underneath that mask…and all those clothes…

"Tobi." The masked man cocked his head to the side.

"Yes, Grandpa Kuzu?"

"What's under your clothes?" Kakuzu growled. Tobi laughed.

"Why, Zetsu asked the same question the other day! Silly grandpa, Tobi is under his clothes!"

"Fair enough…" Kakuzu said, this time more softly. He looked up at the boy standing before him, and yanked on Tobi's scarf, pulling him down. With a startled cry, Tobi fell on top of Kakuzu. The missing Falls nin lay back on the bed with Tobi straddling him and gripped the edges of the orange swirled mask.

"I'm showing you _my_ face, it's only fair that I get to see _yours_."

Tobi giggled.

"Tobi's mask doesn't come off, Grandpa Kuzu! Tobi super glued it on!"

Kakuzu smirked.

"Did you super glue your pants on, too?"

"Hm…" Tobi murmured in deep thought and lifted his ass up so he could tug his pants down.

"Nope! No glue!"

Kakuzu found himself staring fixedly on the front of the boy's crotch, the orange boxers he was wearing were shiny, and Kakuzu longed to touch the fabric to find out if it was as smooth as it looked.

"Tobi," Kakuzu said, licking his lips, finally dropping his hands from Tobi's mask, "what about your shorts?"

The boy uttered a soft 'hm' again and tugged them down his thighs. Kakuzu stared at Tobi's body, the Pine Sol tainted pills working overtime in his bloodstream, flooding his cock with a fresh supply of blood.

"Oh, what do you have down there?" Tobi asked innocently as Kakuzu's erection grew, pressing into Tobi's leg.

"Would you like to find out?" Kakuzu growled. Tobi shook his head vigorously.

"Then take off your clothes."

"Hm…you sound a LOT like Tobi's Zu Zu…but okay!"

Tobi climbed off of Kakuzu, who slid a hand down underneath the blankets, and slid his pants and boxers down, stepping out of them. He next went for his scarf.

"No, leave the scarf," Kakuzu said abruptly. Tobi just laughed and dropped the scarf. Of course, pulling his shirt over his head proved difficult with the long fabric, so he ended up asking Kakuzu for help. The old man did end up taking off Kakuzu's scarf and helping him remove his shirt and the skin tight shirt under that. When Tobi started to take off his gloves, Kakuzu grabbed his hand.

"No, leave those on too."

Kakuzu threw the sexy green scarf back around Tobi's neck and tugged him back down onto him. He longed to touch lips, but he had to satisfy himself with the cold, hard material of Tobi's mask.

"Tobi, are you always a good boy?" Kakuzu asked. Tobi placed his hands on Kakuzu's chest and pushed himself up, wriggling in the older man's lap. The friction on Kakuzu's arousal made him groan.

"Tobi is a bad boy sometimes, Grandpa Kuzu. Do you want Tobi to be a bad boy?"

The masked man ground his body into Kakuzu.

"Oh…hell yes."

"Yay!"

Tobi climbed off of Kakuzu and quickly tugged down his pants and boxers and stepped out of them. He was hard now, and Kakuzu threw off the blankets to reveal his own drug induced erection. Tobi crawled back on top of Kakuzu and hovered over Kakuzu's cock, his ass pressing down on it. Kakuzu grabbed Tobi's hips and squeezed roughly.

The 'bad boy' pressed his body harder down, and Kakuzu gasped.

"Wait, what about…"

"Tobi likes it rough, Tobi's a bad boy!"

Though Tobi did reach behind him and grasp Kakuzu's cock, smearing around the precum at a hasty attempt for lubrication. Then he slammed his body down, the force of it making Kakuzu gasp. Tobi bounced up and down, and Kakuzu groaned and gritted his teeth, helping Tobi move.

"Oh, oh, oh! Oh, Grandpa Kuuuuuuzu!" Tobi moaned, his long scarf rubbing up against Kakuzu's chest, Tobi's gloved fingers tracing along the stitching marking Kakuzu's skin like railroad tracks. Kakuzu hadn't even broken into a proper sweat when the door banged open and an army of miniscule clay raccoons marched in. Kakuzu leaned his head up and his eyes widened.

"Ah…ah…T-Tobi! Stop!"

Tobi didn't stop, however, instead, he circled his hips in a way that made Kakuzu see orange swirly stars. When Kakuzu could see again, he grabbed Tobi's ass and pulled him off of him and got to his feet. The raccoons had reached the bed, and they grinned up at Kakuzu and Tobi, who tugged his scarf up off the floor.

"Oh no! Senpai's Army of Doom Kitties!!" Tobi cried, shielding his mask with his arms. Kakuzu threw the blanket over himself and pushed Tobi in front of him. There was a snicker from the door.

"Don't EVER touch my Danna again, you pedobear, un! KAATSU!"

And the raccoon army AKA Doom Kitties exploded as one, throwing the bed up against the wall and pinning the old man and the masked moron.

"What is going on here?!" a woman's voice screamed from the hallway.

"Kakuzu's high and he's raping everyone, un!"

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, un! We should kick him out! He got Danna first, and now he's banging Tobi!"

"Oh my God, if Zetsu finds out…"

Konan burst into the room, coughing and waving smoke out of her face. She peered over to the bed, smashed into the wall, and caught the glimpse of a gloved hand and a stitched up leg.

"Kakuzu? And…Tobi? Where is my camera?!" Konan squealed, running off to go find it. Deidara shook his head and slammed the door, hoping that when Kakuzu recovered, he'd murder the little bastard…

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**A/N2: Who's next? I dunno. Whoever happens to wander by Kakuzu next. Pein, maybe? It might go something like...this! Cue possible preview:**

"What the hell are you doing?" Pein asked angrily as Konan pushed him aside, tearing apart the closet and muttering something about 'rape.'

"Who's getting raped? Is Orochimaru back?"

"Kakuzu's high off of his tainted heart meds and he's raping every guy in sight! I want to get some Yaoi action on camera!"

"Kakuzu...is raping...random men?"

"YES! Where IS my camera?"

"Who's he raping right now?"

"Well, he WAS raping Tobi, but Deidara blew them up, so I"m not sure if they'll continue where they left off, or what..."

"Now THIS I gotta see..." Pein said, and walked off, leaving his Sea Sex magazine behind. Konan found her camera underneath the bed and followed shortly afterwards, cackling with fangirl glee...

**Eh? What do you think? Kaku/Pein BWA HA HA HA HA! I can't belive I haven't gotten any flames! Anon reviews ARE allowed, you know?!**


	3. Pein and Pleasure

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 3: Pein and Pleasure **

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: Kakuzu/ Peins (half a Pein Chain anyway). In case you don't remember, Kakuzu and Tobi were pinned to the wall with the bed when 'Senpai's Army of Doom Kitties' blew up the bedroom. **

**If you don't know about the rules, go read "The Little Big List of Rules" so you shall know! Yeah I advertise stories within stories. I have no dignity! **

**Rule #3: ****Do NOT attack Itachi when he's vulnerable (as in while sleeping, reading, watching television, using the restroom or painting his nails.)**

**Oh yeah, and this one didn't come out as funny. Sigh…**

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"What the hell are you doing?" Pein asked angrily as Konan pushed him aside, tearing apart the closet and muttering something about 'rape.'

"Who's getting raped? Is Orochimaru back?"

"Kakuzu's high off of his tainted heart meds and he's raping every guy in sight! I want to get some Yaoi action on camera!"

"Kakuzu...is raping...random men?"

"YES! Where IS my camera?"

"Who's he raping right now?"

"Well, he WAS raping Tobi, but Deidara blew them up, so I'm not sure if they'll continue where they left off, or what..."

"Now THIS I gotta see..." Pein said, and walked off, leaving his Sea Sex magazine behind. Konan found her camera underneath the bed and followed shortly afterwards, cackling with fangirl glee...

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Kakuzu came to and pushed the bed away. Tobi collapsed on top of it, his masked face pressed into the mattress. Kakuzu sighed and grabbed a sheet and left the room, carefully avoiding pieces of glass (from the windows) and splintered wood. He padded down the hallway and headed towards the bathroom, hoping to take a shower. He felt incredibly dirty and at least in the bathroom he wouldn't come into contact with anyone else in Akatsuki.

Unfortunately, the bathroom door was closed, and Kakuzu banged his head into the wood.

"Who the hell is in there?" Kakuzu snarled, his voice muffled because his mouth was pressed up against the door.

"Uchiha…Itachi."

'Great,' Kakuzu thought. Not wanting to break rule number three of the rules posted in the kitchen, Kakuzu decided to head for his bedroom. Hopefully Hidan wouldn't be in there. If he raped HIM he'd never hear the end of it. Unfortunately, Kakuzu ran right into Konan and Pein. All three of them froze. Konan had a digital camera in her hands, looking excited while Pein raised an eyebrow, taking in the sheet Kakuzu had wrapped around his hips like a towel.

"You really ARE a rapist," Pein said slowly. Kakuzu's face burned. He wanted to flee. Because right now, he found Leader's voice extremely sexy. And those piercings made him wonder what lay beneath the cloak…

Kakuzu smacked himself in the face hard, trying to snap himself out of it.

"Why are you…"

"What happened to Tobi?" Konan asked, her voice cutting of Pein's.

"I'm…he…I just want to take a shower, but someone's in there," Kakuzu stuttered.

Konan started snapping pictures, the flash blinding Kakuzu. He squinted his eyes shut, groping around for the camera so he could crush it in his hands. Pein gave Konan a warning glare and with a pout she lowered the camera.

"Kakuzu, it seems we have a problem. Come to my office and let's have a talk, shall we? Konan!" Pein barked and Konan stiffened.

"Yes, sir?"

"No pictures. Keep this incident off the record."

"Like the termite infestation?"

"Exactly."

Kakuzu sighed inwardly. This was going to be a very trying day. And he was hard. _Again_.

Kakuzu managed not to fuck Pein senseless while the three of them walked upstairs to Pein's office. He closed the door behind Kakuzu and sent Konan to tend to Tobi. Kakuzu sat down in the chair before Pein's desk while the leader himself sat at the edge of the polished cherry wood, staring with his strange Rinnegan gaze at Kakuzu.

"Do you still have your urges?" Pein asked bluntly, making Kakuzu blush even more.

"Hn."

"I see. Well, until Sasori recovers from his stupor, we can't find you an antidote. I may have to put you in quarantine. I can't have any more sore assed employees. A ninja that cannot walk is not much of a ninja, after all."

Kakuzu inhaled sharply and cursed his cock for being so…god…damned…hard…it was the only thing he could focus on, and it was driving him mad. A slippery sucking sound suddenly met Kakuzu's ears and he opened his eyes and looked up to see Pein sucking on the end of his pen, a detached look on his metal filled face. Kakuzu's jaw dropped, his mouth watering.

Pein raised an eyebrow as Kakuzu's breathing hitched audibly in the large, echoing room. Before Pein could realize what had happened, he was flat on his back on the carpeting, Kakuzu wrenching the pen from his mouth with his tongue.

"What the…?"

Kakuzu licked the line of drool that had connected to the discarded pen and then plunged his tongue inside leader's open mouth. He greedily kissed Pein, enjoying the metal ball on Pein's tongue while his hands fumbled with his cloak, unsnapping it and pulling the offending clothing away to reveal a fishnet shirt.

The older man slid the shirt up and tugged at Pein's nipple rings, making him gasp into Kakuzu's hungry mouth. The very instant Pein gasped, Konan slipped into the room and hid behind a chair, taking a video with her camera. She was NOT about to miss this!

There was a loud yawn and Kakuzu and Pein froze. Pony Tail Pein and Pretty Boy (long haired) Pein shuffled into the room, wiping at their eyes.

"We felt something…what's going on?" Pony Tail Pein asked. Leader Pein grinned.

"A game. Would you like to join in?" Leader Pein said with a dark, purring tone. Kakuzu growled and quickly removed the rest of Pein's clothing while two of his other selves watched in awe. Hands traveled south as Kakuzu unwrapped the sheet from his hips and cast that aside, his cock throbbing with aching need.

Pein lifted his legs and set them on Kakuzu's shoulders, looking up at him with half lidded eyes. Kakuzu's tongue snaked out and slithered down to Pein's awaiting ass and slid inside, the strong threads prying his leader open. Pein hissed at the discomfort but did nothing to stop it. The other two Peins hurriedly discarded their own clothes and got on their knees besides their leader, watching intently as Kakuzu eased his cock inside Pein's tight heat, the threads providing an interesting friction that made Kakuzu groan in pleasure.

Kakuzu began to thrust slowly in and out, building up momentum and changing the angle of his thrusts, searching for that spot. He nearly came when Pony Tail Pein (Dein as he will afterwards be called) forced his cock into Pein the leader's mouth. Dein leaned over on all fours, his long pony tail draped over Pein's chest, and three voices gasped loudly when the long haired Pein thrust hard into Dein.

"H-harder!" Pein gasped around the cock in his mouth, and his two other selves echoed it, all sweating and pleading in unison. Kakuzu hit the sweet spot and all three Peins moaned. Kakuzu kept thrusting into the same bundle of nerves, striking home continuously until he lost his rhythm and started to thrust wildly, his breath getting shorter as he strove to hold off his climax as long as he could. Pein came first, splattering his seed on his stomach, while Dein came into Pein's mouth, and Long haired Pein came inside Dein. All three Peins went limp and lay sprawled in a heap on the carpeting. The other three Peins who were locked up in the attic all came as well, moaning in their sleep. Kakuzu pulled out of Pein and fell backwards, panting heavily.

He happened to catch an upside down glimpse of Konan slipping out from behind the chair and fleeing the room, a camera in her hand. Kakuzu vowed to seek revenge, as soon as he could get up.

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**Guess who's next, cyberspyderweb?! MWA HA HA! I won't tell anyone else! You'll have to go to cyberspyderweb's profile and try to figure it out! **


	4. Gone Fishing

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 4: Gone Fishing **

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: Used 'gentleman's area' just for Emmy-danna. Marandom inspired me with the Clorox. **

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Kakuzu tromped naked down the hallway, seeking out the blue haired whore who had spied on the incident with Pein (Pein to the third power). Well, the old stitch man wasn't completely naked. He _did_ have a pillow held over his gentleman's area. Unfortunately, as sore and achy as most of his body was, his cock was still going strong. Kakuzu had no idea how he was still conscious, since most of his blood was sent south to keep his dick at full attention.

The old man did feel rather light headed, however, and no sooner did he think he might faint, he swooned and fell through a half open door. Judging from the smooth, hard tile and the lovely view of the underside of a toilet, Kakuzu had landed in the bathroom. He lay there for a while, and when he could move, he crawled into the bathtub. He hit his head on the faucet along the way and lay there, stunned, gazing blankly at the shower curtain.

Someone ran into the bathroom and Kakuzu tensed. He heard that someone flip the toilet lid up and urinate loudly into it. Kakuzu watched through the shower curtain, focusing first on the blue penis, then black nailed fingers, trailing up to sharp teeth, then back down to the unusually tinted cock again. Kisame, unaware of his audience, threw his head back and sighed with relief.

Kakuzu groaned as his cock gave a painful throb. Even worse, his body was instantly energized, pumped full of adrenaline. Kisame turned and barely had time to murmur 'what the hell?' before a large body crashed into him.

Kisame put up quite a fight, but Kakuzu's handy threads quickly bound the shark nin's arms behind his back. Kakuzu forced Kisame to the floor, kicked the door closed and then straddled the missing Mist nin's thighs. Kisame still had his pants undone and his flaccid cock out. Kakuzu stared at it, transfixed by the odd coloring. He never thought blue balls could be so alluring.

"Kakuzu," Kisame growled, "if you try to put anything in my mouth, I'll bite down."

"Who says I'm going to try to put anything in your _mouth_?" Kakuzu asked slyly and pulled on Kisame's cock.

The shark nin groaned and closed his eyes.

"Get…your hands…off me," Kisame growled. Kakuzu stroked the shark nin's length, chuckling when it started to respond to his touch.

"Ka-Kakuzuuuu…_stop_," the missing Mist nin moaned, bucking his hips.

"I would if I could," Kakuzu answered, quickening his hand.

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Sasori, though rather butt hurt, had recovered from the pounding Kakuzu had given him, and was now in the basement, mixing up a number of chemicals in a large pot.

"Here you go, danna, un. Need anything else?" Deidara asked, dumping an armful of various house cleaning products on an old work bench.

"Clorox. Good. Just…what…I…need," Sasori murmured, holding a glass tube up to the fluorescent light suspended ceiling and swirling it, watching the liquids within change color from yellow to green to purple.

"So you think that will work, un?"

"We'll see," Sasori said, satisfied with his new antidote.

The puppet stuck a cork into the tube, sealing it, then handed it to Deidara.

"Slip this in Kakuzu's drink."

"What? Why do I have to do it, un!"

Sasori smiled.

"Because I'm still sore from the last time I encountered him. Do it, brat."

Deidara swallowed. If he made contact with Kakuzu, he knew it could mean angry tentacle sex.

The blond wondered where Kakuzu could be now? First, Deidara went to his bedroom. It was still a mess. But there was no horny old man hiding in the debris. Deidara was about to head towards the next room that Itachi and Kisame shared when he heard an echoing moan coming from the bathroom.

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Kisame couldn't help moaning as Kakuzu moved roughly in him. It was painful, being on the receiving end. The old man had hurriedly smeared hair conditioner on his cock and tore into Kisame's ass with little regard for preparation and set a hard, brutal pace. The shark nin felt jolts of pleasure run through him when Kakuzu pressed his cock against Kisame's prostate, but there was more pain than pleasure.

Another moan as Kakuzu squeezed Kisame's cock hard. Kisame decided that he'd had enough. He somehow wrenched one arm free of Kakuzu's threads and the shark nin summoned his Samehada.

The chakra eating sword smashed through the shark nin's bedroom, whizzed by Deidara, slashing at his cloak and hair, and zipped into the bathroom. Kakuzu's eyes widened and he stopped thrusting when he saw the Samehada an inch from his face.

"Pull out NOW," Kisame snarled.

The sword ate away at the chakra imbedded in Kakuzu's threads, and the old man released his hold on Kisame. The shark nin managed to crawl out from under Kakuzu and immediately brought the sword down, narrowly missing slicing off Kakuzu's impressive man meat. The missing Falls nin jumped backwards and toppled into the bathtub again, clutching at his chest.

(Author's assistant Renren holds up sign saying Heart Attack #2)

Kisame clutched his Samehada in one hand, his ass in the other, and fled for his life, tears streaming from his eyes. Kisame ran into his bedroom and hid in his closet with his beloved sword. Itachi, who was reading on his bed, looked over to the shark nin as he slammed the closet door shut.

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Deidara blinked, stunned. His cloak was slashed, bits of his hair from the flying Samehada were drifting to the floor. Kakuzu had made Kisame cry. Though not difficult to do, it still terrified the suicide bomber. Deidara crept into the bathroom and blanched when he saw a white stain on the rug under the toilet. He peered into the bathtub. Kakuzu was in there, temporarily dead, yet somehow, his penis was still fully erect, a dribble of white cum at the head of it.

The blond considered pouring the antidote down Kakuzu's throat while he was unconscious, but just as he leaned in over the old man, Kakuzu's eyes snapped open and he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath while thrusting out a hand and wrapping it tightly around Deidara's throat.

"What the hell do you want, Blondie?"

"Argh…don't…rape…me…_Unnn_," Deidara choked out, clawing at the hand around his throat. He dropped the vial containing the antidote and it startled Kakuzu as it smashed. He released his hold on Deidara.

The blond shuffled backwards out of the bathroom and ran off in terror, much like Kisame, only he wasn't butt hurt and crying.

Kakuzu looked at the purple substance that was now splashed all over the tile. It smelled like grape Kool-Aid and bleach. Not a nice combination. The old man managed to take a shower, finally, and wanked off while fantasizing about Deidara. Damned tainted pills. He'd make the little blond pay…oh yes. And his little puppet too.

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**Next time: I…am not sure. KakuZet or KakuIta.  
**


	5. Foolish Old Man

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 5: Foolish Old Man**

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: I settled for KakuIta, because it makes more sense. :P Order for remaining chapters: KakuZet, KakuHida, KakuDei (my OTP yay!). I apologize if this makes no sense. I just wanted to POST it already. **

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Kakuzu managed to slink off to his own bedroom, and locked the door. It felt nice to actually wear clothes again. His cock, at the moment, had gone flaccid, but just in case, he made sure to put on loose pants. He had to get away from everyone. And he was afraid Itachi was going to come after him. Making Kisame cry was a mortal sin as far as Itachi was concerned.

The only reason the Uchiha wasn't banging on the door already was because he most likely couldn't find it. Or he was still comforting Kisame. Kakuzu chuckled at both possibilities when there came a knock at the door. Kakuzu froze, eyes darting to check for possible escape routes. He'd jump out the window if he had to.

"Hey, fucking heathen! Don't lock my own door! Let me in you asshole!"

Hidan. He was easily dealt with.

"No!" Kakuzu answered gruffly, plopping down on his bed.

"Oh? NO. LET ME THE FUCK IN NOW!"

The door shook in its frame as Hidan hammered the thin wood. Kakuzu sat up, glaring at the door.

"Hidan, if you come in here, I'm going to rape you!" Kakuzu yelled honestly.

Silence at Hidan's end.

"Holy shit…" Hidan finally muttered, and there was a softer knock on the door.

Kakuzu jumped to his feet. He glanced nervously at the door, then to the window. He just might have to leave the house and chance raping the neighbors…anything other than facing seventy-two hours of…

"This is Uchiha Itachi. Open the door or I will burn it to the ground."

The old missing Falls nin swore under his breath and dropped to his knees, searching under his bed for his briefcase o' moneys. He pulled it out and ran over to the window. He unlocked it and pushed it up as he heard 'Amaterasu.' Black flames seeped under the door and Kakuzu knew this was it. He had to get the hell out.

Kakuzu was wriggling through the window (it was a tight fit for someone so big) when his leg was pinned to the wall with a kunai. The old man groaned in pain and he found himself being pulled back inside. Itachi shut the window and glared down at Kakuzu with his cold red eyes.

"You made Kisame cry. For that, I must kill you."

Itachi raised a kunai, ready to attack. Kakuzu's three remaining hearts beat sporadically in his body. Then, the old man had an idea. His bright green eyes widened, fixed on a spot behind the Uchiha, and he pointed.

"Oh my God, it's Sasuke-kun!" Kakuzu cried in disbelief. Itachi's mouth opened slightly in surprise and he turned.

Kakuzu tried for the window again, as the room was now on fire, and Itachi pulled him back, throwing him to the carpet. Itachi straddled Kakuzu's waist, quickly anchoring his arms to the floor with kunai embedded in his hands.

"Itachi, let me go or I might do something we'll both regret!" Kakuzu growled, flicking his eyes nervously back at the flames.

"Too late," Itachi whispered, eyes swirling dangerously. Kakuzu shut his eyes, hoping he wasn't under the spell of the Uchiha's sharingan.

The warm weight of Itachi's body on his caused Kakuzu's cursed cock to rise up, ready for another round of Akatsuki rape. Kakuzu used his handy dandy threads to tie Itachi's hands behind his back. He slid sideways off of the old man and they switched positions, Kakuzu pinning Itachi to the ground. Kakuzu didn't know why the Sharingan didn't work, but it worked to his advantage.

"Damn you, Uchiha bastard. Now I have to rape you."

"Uchihas don't get raped," Itachi responded coldly. Kakuzu chuckled, manipulating his threads to tear off Itachi's clothes.

"They do now."

Kakuzu had the blind Uchiha naked, bound and gagged within minutes. They were both sweating from the heat of the flames around them. Kakuzu knew he had to make this quick, or relocate. Kakuzu pulled his cock out of his pants and pulled at it a few times. Itachi's legs were spread wide, muscles visibly straining as he struggled against his bonds.

"Resistance is futile, Uchiha whore," Kakuzu growled, and squeezed Itachi's cock. He was still soft, but Kakuzu took no heed. He slid a finger along Itachi's inner thigh and down to his ass. Kakuzu grazed his blunt fingernail around the puckered hole. Itachi shifted, squinting his eyes shut.

Kakuzu slowly pushed a finger inside, pressing firmly against Itachi's prostate. The Uchiha emitted a high pitched sound that made Kakuzu grin. He saw Itachi's cock start to rise up as it hardened.

"I suppose I should speed this up," Kakuzu said as he saw the flames creep closer. He pulled his finger out and pressed the head of his cock against Itachi's entrance. The Uchiha kept his eyes closed, bracing for penetration.

When Kakuzu began to push into Itachi, the Uchiha groaned. Kakuzu chuckled.

"You're fairly loose. Kisame must keep you well stretched, eh?"

Itachi's eyes flew open, Mangekyou Sharingan activated. Kakuzu covered Itachi's eyes with his hand, and after a pause to see if he had been affected or not, Kakuzu began a fast, hard rhythm. While one hand kept the Uchiha's eyes covered, the other toyed with Itachi's cock and balls. Kakuzu felt Itachi tighten around him, and knew the Uchiha was close.

Kakuzu sped up, and with each thrust, Itachi tensed more, until he tossed his head to the side and cum sprayed all over his stomach. Kakuzu let go of Itachi's cock, thrust a few more times, and came, relishing in the release. The fire was nearly on them now, Kakuzu's pant leg was on fire, so he untied Itachi, flung him over his shoulder, and got out of their. It wouldn't have been nice to rape a guy and let him burn to death. Even Kakuzu wasn't that cruel.

Kisame was right there in the hallway when Kakuzu escaped, and he did a double take when he saw his poor little Ita-kun naked and thrown over Kakuzu's shoulder like a bag of sexy potatoes.

"Oh no, you got my Ita-kun, too?" Kisame wailed, swinging his Samehada at Kakuzu's head. Kakuzu ducked, threw Itachi at Kisame, and ran, leaving the shark nin to put out the flames.

Maybe if he hid in the backyard for a while, things would boil over? Kakuzu was glad he had clothes, even if they were a bit singed from the flames of Amaterasu. He didn't even bother grabbing his shoes as he crept outside and sat down with his back up against the large oak tree in the backyard. He had just started to doze when he heard people talking. Well, two voices, but one person.

"**Is that who I think it is?"**

"_Kakuzu? In our yard?"_

"**It's apparently more likely than we thought."**


	6. Half and Half

"**Dirty Old Man"**

**Chapter 6: Half and Half**

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1. **

**A/N: Took me long enough, didn't it? Not porny enough, or that funny, really. It's just not with me this time. DX Sorry. Not completely beta'd. If there are any major mistakes, let me know!**

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"**Is that who I think it is?"**

"_Kakuzu? In our yard?"_

"**It's apparently more likely than we thought."**

Kakuzu could not believe his ears. Zetsu...if there was one person in Akatsuki he did not want to have forced intercourse with, it was the overgrown plant man with split personality. Kakuzu got to his feet and peeked around the tree he'd fallen asleep under. Zetsu was standing in the midst of the organization's feeble garden, whispering sweet nothings to the withered tomato plant.

_"I'll fetch you some nice plant food, perk you right up..." _

**"Idiot, we're on a tight budget. That old miser with undies on his head won't let us spend any more money on gardening supplies."**

_"Then let's kill him, and use his rotten flesh as fertilizer."_

**"Good plan, only without him, the organization would surely go bankrupt."**

While listening to the plant discuss Kakuzu's own usefulness to Akatsuki, said missing Falls nin was looking for an exit. He feared Zetsu might be upset about what he'd done to Tobi earlier, and wanted to make a quiet escape. Zetsu possessed legendary tracking skills, so Kakuzu had to be sure that he fled unseen and unheard. Kakuzu slunk quietly over to the fence, planning on jumping it in the neighbor's yard, but he heard splashing and laughter. The Jones family was in their pool. Not a good idea to barge in...the only other option left, was to hide and wait for Zetsu to leave.

Kakuzu wondered if maybe he could just stay here, hidden behind the oak tree, until his strange side effects went away. He really didn't want to attack anyone else. When this was all over, he wondered if he should just leave the Akatsuki and return to his life as a solo bounty hunter. The fact that he'd raped most of his coworkers was rather embarrassing. A raspy snicker alerted Kakuzu that Zetsu was still nearby, and he chanced a glimpse around the wide trunk of the tree to spy on the plant man.

**"Some-one-wants-to-die,"** Zetsu hissed in a sing-song voice, glaring directly at the tree, and Kakuzu froze. Shit, he'd been discovered. And then Zetsu was gone, melted into the Earth. The missing Falls nin looked down at the ground, not sure where Zetsu would pop up again, and then there was that raspy laughter again, this time very close to his ear. Kakuzu whirled to see Zetsu's face protruding from the thick tree trunk, the same color as its bark.

"Fancy seeing you here," Zetsu said conversationally. There was a bee crawling on Zetsu's face. He stuck out his tongue, and slurped the bee up into his mouth. There was a creepy buzzing sound emitting from Zetsu's throat as the bug went down. Kakuzu swallowed. Sick as it was, the hollow vibration was turning him on.

When was this going to ever end?

"I was just leaving," Kakuzu responded, slinking away, but vines grabbed hold of his ankle and dragged Kakuzu to the ground.

"You will stay with us, and explain why we can't have plant food to feed the tomatoes. They are starving."

"I'll give you all the plant food you want! Just let me go!" Kakuzu insisted, prying at the vines. Zetsu stepped out of the tree and resumed his natural form, then pulled Kakuzu up so that they were face to face, noses almost touching. Bad idea, being so close. Kakuzu couldn't help but study Zetsu's features: the wide, golden eyes, the thin brows, the short mop of green hair, the jagged teeth protruding from his black and white lips. They were freakish, but not unpleasant. And the black and white halves...he yearned to see if that bizarre half and half pattern continued down lower...And there was a faint fragrant smell on Zetsu's checkerboard skin. Roses...

Kakuzu swallowed again, his pants feeling tight and uncomfortable all of a sudden. That familiar surge of pleasure and power raced through his body, and he knew that Zetsu...was about to meet the same doom as Tobi. With a sudden burst of strength, Kakuzu turned the tables, pushing Zetsu onto the grass, pinning him to the ground with his own body. Zetsu snapped his flytrap shut.

"Get off me, rapist," Zetsu warned in a muffled voice.

"Too late."

Kakuzu dug his fingers into the small gap between the fly trap teeth and forced the two giant leaves apart, exposing Zetsu's upper half to him. The missing Grass nin continued to struggle, so Kakuzu unleashed some of his tendrils to tie the teeth of the flytrap down, as well as bind Zetsu's limbs. Kakuzu propped himself up with one arm and used his other to languidly run his fingers down Zetsu's smooth chest. Kakuzu delighted at pinching a small black nipple. He switched arms, and pinched the white one as well. Zetsu made no noise, gold eyes burning into the older nin's face. Kakuzu nuzzled Zetsu's chest, breathing in the floral scent again, and then the last traces of his logical mind were gone.

The missing Falls nin wormed his fingers under Zetsu's sash, jerked it loose, and pulled Zetsu's pants down his hips. The thick green leaves of the flytrap ended at his hip bones. Kakuzu tugged the pants lower, exposing a very human, very sizeable cock; to Kakuzu's horror and delight, it was half and half as well. The black coloring on his leg, however, faded into white at mid-thigh. No matter. Kakuzu ripped the pants from Zetsu's body completely, and quickly fetched his own dick out of his pants. The gold gleam of Zetsu's hate filled eyes softened, and he turned his head to the side, shaking. _Whimpering_.

Kakuzu stopped, despite how randy he was.

_"D-don't look, just l-look away!"_

**"Daddy loves you..."**

For a moment, Kakuzu thought Zetsu was just talking to himself, but then he followed Zetsu's line of sight, and saw a Chia Pet, a Chia Hippo in fact, off in the grass a few feet away. Tiny green things wriggled all over its surface. One green thing snapped at a fly buzzing dangerously close to its living skin. _Daddy..._

Then, Zetsu turned to face Kakuzu again, gold eyes shimmering with tears. The vulnerable look just made the old nin wanting to be inside Zetsu's tight heat even more.

_"Not in front of the children!"_

**"Please, not in front of **_**them**_**!"**

Kakuzu growled at Zetsu's whining, and shot off his right arm, grabbing the Chia Pet up and throwing it through one of the upper windows of the house.

"_There_. Now shut up," Kakuzu growled, pressing the head of his cock against Zetsu. He pushed inside right when Zetsu decided to tell him vital information.

"My fluids are poisonous," Zetsu hissed. Kakuzu froze. Poisonous? He started to pull out, and panicked when he felt a burning sensation on his sensitive 'shroom. Zetsu spit on Kakuzu's face, and it felt like acid on his skin. Kakuzu hurriedly got off of Zetsu and looked down at his precious cock. It was far too red, and it burned. Kakuzu felt another heart attack coming on, but he fought it, darting around the backyard, wondering what to do. Zetsu snarled some sort of threat that sounded suspiciously like "...rot your dick off" and wrenchined himself free of the unnatended tendrils. He melted into the ground.

Kakuzu, distracted, wondered briefly where Zetsu had gone, since he hadn't really gotten to enjoy him. He needed to wash the poison off...water...the hose! The missing Falls nin rushed over to the side of the house, and turned the hose on. At first, the shock of the cold water made it hurt worse, and Kakuzu yelped, but once he got used to the chill, it eased the burning sensation. He doused his face with the water, and took a drink of it, surprised that his heart palpatations slowed. No heart attack this time.

"OY! FUCK FACE!" a high pitched, whiny voice yelled. Kakuzu was just returning his cock to his pants when Hidan stuck his head out of the side door. In his hand, wrapped in a paper towel, was the Chia Hippo.

"You're in deep shit, you know."

"For what?"

Hidan glared in silence for a moment, sliding his eyes up and down Kakuzu's body. The action made Kakuzu groan inwardly. Idiot. Didn't he realize by now that Kakuzu had a bad case of compulsive rape?

"Several things, actually," the oblivious Hidan finally answered. "But at the moment, _this_." Hidan held up the Chia Hippo. There were bits of glass stuck in it. Some of the miniature flytrap babies weren't moving anymore. Kakuzu paid the nightmarish spermy Chia Pet Zetsu babies no mind, however. His eyes were only for Hidan right now.

"Hidan?" Kakuzu suddenly asked, voice a bit higher than normal. Hidan arched a silver eyebrow.

"The fuck you want?"

"To fuck."

Hidan didn't even have time to emit a single swear word before the miser-turned-rapist sprung.


End file.
